Published on September 7th, 2013 | by Erik Blantoff

New Research: Consoles Can’t Be Enjoyed Fully If They Do Other Things

For decades, video game consoles have been used for a single purpose: games. Now, a new study is confirming what gamers have felt in their gut for a long time.

A new study published by Our Lady of Perpetual Schadenfreude University in Boston has shown that a video game console manufacturer cannot serve two masters. Or three or more for that matter. The study, made available to Mustache News in abstract, says that it’s completely impossible to make a commercially viable video game console that plays games as well as it plays movies, video, TV, streams sports, or provides video teleconferencing services. The study goes on to say that console manufacturers should just stick to making game consoles.

MNN asked OLPSU to provide the full text so we can see their figures that prove console usage and design is always a zero sum game, but OLPSU responded that all traces of the study appear to have disappeared from the college network. They claim they totally uploaded it in time for our story, but it simply has gone missing. Claiming we wouldn’t believe it, OLPSU says there is no trace of the file on their local machine either. Further confounding the research is the fact that all hard copies and initial drafts have been consumed by a large labradoodle, as claimed by OLPSU, and have rendered the complete record of the research lost to history. But OLPSU assures us they totally did the research and should get credit for the conclusion that it totally looks like they pulled out of their ass but didn’t because that would be academically dishonest.

Sounds legit.

Here’s Microsoft’s first advertisement for the Xbox One. Note it’s conspicuous lack of game content. Doesn’t it just boil your blood to know someone is happy to get something that isn’t necessarily meant for you?

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Erik Blantoff

Commander in Chef, Demon Hunter Second Class, Salt Specialist

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