Lifestyle

Published on September 1st, 2013 | by Erik Blantoff

PAX Night Vale: We Want Yourself To Be Enjoyed

With the first annual PAX Night Vale coming up during the last week of October, Penny Arcade, in conjunction with the Night Vale Council for Commerce, the Night Vale City Council, the Sheriff’s Secret Police, and a vague, yet menacing, government agency, wants attendees unfamiliar with Night Vale to be aware of a few things to ensure maximum enjoyment of the attendees.

Who will enjoy the attendees, you ask? The press release does not appear to say.

You should have received your commemorative PAX Night Vale 2013 SUBDELTA Identification Bobcat delivered in the mail. Due to counterfeiting problems that have plagued past PAX, your bobcat has been fitted with several counterfeiting countermeasures. The first countermeasure is the bobcat’s claws. They have been tipped with a flesh-eating bacteria. The specific strain of this genetically engineered bioweapon is known to Enforcer staff and they have been inoculated against this strain. If you plan on buying a bobcat from a scalper on site, be sure to have an Enforcer verify the authenticity of your prospective bobcat. If your Enforcer is reduced to dust in 5.4 seconds flat, you will know the scalper is trying to sell you a counterfeit bobcat.

The second counterfeiting countermeasure is the fact that the bobcat is a bobcat and any effort to tamper with the bobcat will result in the bobcat unmercilessly mauling you.

Authorized entry to the Night Vale Civic Center And Ectoplasmic Energy Nexus will be checked strictly. When approaching the NVCCAEEN, keep your head down and avoid any contact with the Hooded Figures checking your bobcat. Do not speak to the Hooded Figures. Do not look at the Hooded Figures. Do not accept any evidence that the Hooded Figures exist from people who might give you pamphlets on the subject. Simply have your bobcat raised above your head, with the claws pointing toward your scalp as you crouch through the front door. Any unauthorized or counterfeit bobcats will result in being phased into another, much more cramped plane of existence.

Most importantly, do not attempt to enter through the exits. With the shortage of authorized bobcats, it may seem tempting to use the exits as an alternative entrance since the Hooded Figures that guard the entrances do not guard the exits. That, of course, would be foolish. There are no exits to guard.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police specifically inserted this reminder: All Omeganauts should remember that all their forms must be on file before competing in the Omegathon. Please ensure that your legal release, prize delivery preference, aura cleansing certification, blood panel, wills (both living and not), and elder god alignment declaration forms are are placed in an envelope and incinerated in a bloodstone circle at least one week before traditional temporal measurements of time start to break down. Failure to do so will result in your forceful ejection from the Omegathon, followed by a crushing sense of depression at the glorious experience you missed out on, followed by falling, followed by landing as a brownish-red splatter on the ground.

So, on behalf of of Mayor Pamela Winchell, we bid you…

Welcome…. Home….

WELCOME……………..

HOME…………………..

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About the Author

Erik Blantoff

Commander in Chef, Demon Hunter Second Class, Salt Specialist



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